Adoption Etiquette

This is one of those topics I've put off writing about, for fear of offending people by even bringing it up. Out of love for my future child though, I feel it is an important topic. And really, how are people to learn without being taught? We can't assume that everybody knows everything there is to know about adoption. Back in the day it was much more common to have closed adoptions, and people were very secretive about even letting their children know they were adopted. Over the years it has been realized that this is not such a good thing. It is better for the child to know from day 1 that they were adopted, in an age appropriate manner as they grow. So yes, our child will know they are adopted from day 1. That being said, there are some things to keep in mind.

1: Please don't use the term "Real Family/Mom/Parents" when referring to the birth family. We are not fake, we are the child's parents. The child has two real families.

2: There's really no need to introduce our child as our adopted child to people. They are our child, plain and simple. It's a permanent relationship, no need for a qualifier. :)

3: Information about our child's background is usually kept private. This is a tough one for people, as they want to know details of the situation. I can understand that, I'm a very curious person as well. But the thing is, that's not our story to share. The story of our child's birth family is for our child to share if he/she so chooses. It wouldn't be fair for us to share every detail, and then have the child overhear some detail being told amongst family members that perhaps he/she didn't yet know or understand. It's much better to let the child decide what and how much they want to share if/when they are comfortable doing so.

4: Please don't say that the child should be grateful for being adopted, or that we are doing an amazingly generous thing for adopting. That would be like telling someone's husband that they were so generous for marrying their wife, or vice versa. I know it seems like a compliment, but it is hurtful to the child. Parents adopt or give birth because they want children. You wouldn't tell someone who is giving birth to a child what a great and generous thing they are doing.

What it really comes down to is treating the child like you would any other child with the same relationship. I bring this up not because people are making these huge faux pas, but because I was asked by family to educate them. I'd rather people ask questions than make assumptions. And for those who haven't already read it, here's a great writeup on Respectful Adoption Language that goes into more detail than I have.