I put off this post for a long time wanting to do it justice.
The fact of the matter is I'm not much of a writer (that's Sam's thing)
and I can't post pictures (my thing) until the adoption is finalized
around 6 months. I so want the whole world to see this little bundle of
joy we've waited 6 long years for! Rest assured this blog will be
filled with just that when the time comes.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Adoption Etiquette
This is one of those topics I've put off writing about, for fear of offending people by even bringing it up. Out of love for my future child though, I feel it is an important topic. And really, how are people to learn without being taught? We can't assume that everybody knows everything there is to know about adoption. Back in the day it was much more common to have closed adoptions, and people were very secretive about even letting their children know they were adopted. Over the years it has been realized that this is not such a good thing. It is better for the child to know from day 1 that they were adopted, in an age appropriate manner as they grow. So yes, our child will know they are adopted from day 1. That being said, there are some things to keep in mind.
1: Please don't use the term "Real Family/Mom/Parents" when referring to the birth family. We are not fake, we are the child's parents. The child has two real families.
2: There's really no need to introduce our child as our adopted child to people. They are our child, plain and simple. It's a permanent relationship, no need for a qualifier. :)
3: Information about our child's background is usually kept private. This is a tough one for people, as they want to know details of the situation. I can understand that, I'm a very curious person as well. But the thing is, that's not our story to share. The story of our child's birth family is for our child to share if he/she so chooses. It wouldn't be fair for us to share every detail, and then have the child overhear some detail being told amongst family members that perhaps he/she didn't yet know or understand. It's much better to let the child decide what and how much they want to share if/when they are comfortable doing so.
4: Please don't say that the child should be grateful for being adopted, or that we are doing an amazingly generous thing for adopting. That would be like telling someone's husband that they were so generous for marrying their wife, or vice versa. I know it seems like a compliment, but it is hurtful to the child. Parents adopt or give birth because they want children. You wouldn't tell someone who is giving birth to a child what a great and generous thing they are doing.
What it really comes down to is treating the child like you would any other child with the same relationship. I bring this up not because people are making these huge faux pas, but because I was asked by family to educate them. I'd rather people ask questions than make assumptions. And for those who haven't already read it, here's a great writeup on Respectful Adoption Language that goes into more detail than I have.
1: Please don't use the term "Real Family/Mom/Parents" when referring to the birth family. We are not fake, we are the child's parents. The child has two real families.
2: There's really no need to introduce our child as our adopted child to people. They are our child, plain and simple. It's a permanent relationship, no need for a qualifier. :)
3: Information about our child's background is usually kept private. This is a tough one for people, as they want to know details of the situation. I can understand that, I'm a very curious person as well. But the thing is, that's not our story to share. The story of our child's birth family is for our child to share if he/she so chooses. It wouldn't be fair for us to share every detail, and then have the child overhear some detail being told amongst family members that perhaps he/she didn't yet know or understand. It's much better to let the child decide what and how much they want to share if/when they are comfortable doing so.
4: Please don't say that the child should be grateful for being adopted, or that we are doing an amazingly generous thing for adopting. That would be like telling someone's husband that they were so generous for marrying their wife, or vice versa. I know it seems like a compliment, but it is hurtful to the child. Parents adopt or give birth because they want children. You wouldn't tell someone who is giving birth to a child what a great and generous thing they are doing.
What it really comes down to is treating the child like you would any other child with the same relationship. I bring this up not because people are making these huge faux pas, but because I was asked by family to educate them. I'd rather people ask questions than make assumptions. And for those who haven't already read it, here's a great writeup on Respectful Adoption Language that goes into more detail than I have.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Meetings
A week ago today we were getting ready to fly out to Ohio to meet the Expectant Mom, and I'm only now recovered enough to post about it. The first leg of our flight was in a prop plane, so I took some Dramamine hoping that would help! Of course I washed the Dramamine down with a large Starbucks Frappuccino, which was probably not a good idea. Sam joked that we should save the air sickness bags for the baby's memory box, little did we know I'd end up having to use them. Ugh! I no longer have any cravings for Frappuccinos.
We met up with Emom, her mom, and her lawyer for lunch on Saturday. I was concerned that we wouldn't be able to figure out who they were, but her lawyer was there first and recognized us. Emom turned out to be relatively quiet like me, so her mom filled in the silence. It was great getting to meet them both, and it really feels like this is the way things were meant to be. I was nervous about making a good impression, so barely ate any of my food. I have a hard time putting my thoughts to words, so some of her questions were difficult to answer. I think we made a good impression though, as we were invited to go to their church and meet her daughter the next day. That also went well, and it was nice to discover that their church is very similar to ours. Emom's daughter seemed to take to us, and of course gravitated towards Sam like all kids do. We feel quite blessed to have been picked by such a kind, loving family. It feels like an ideal match on both sides.
In other news, we are surging forward with preparing for a baby in less than 2 months! I posted on Freecycle looking for baby boy clothes, and a kind lady gave us 5 bags worth ranging from newborn to 6 months! Most is up to 3 months, but she said if we keep in touch she will give us more as her son grows out of it. This is a huge savings, as baby clothes are expensive! I've also been working on the Seuss walls, and have 2 walls left to go. Sam will be talking to a Pediatrician/Family Doctor today, and we are working on getting our taxes done early since baby is due April 15th! I've found a great hotel that specializes in extended stays. It has a kitchenette in every room, laundry facilities, and even gas grills outside for us to use! We will have to stay in Ohio for 1-2 weeks after baby is born waiting for the ICPC to go through, so this will be perfect. Yes we have names picked out, no you don't get to know until we know the baby is ours. ;) We will be driving to Ohio to make life easier and be able to take all the stuff we will need for baby.
We met up with Emom, her mom, and her lawyer for lunch on Saturday. I was concerned that we wouldn't be able to figure out who they were, but her lawyer was there first and recognized us. Emom turned out to be relatively quiet like me, so her mom filled in the silence. It was great getting to meet them both, and it really feels like this is the way things were meant to be. I was nervous about making a good impression, so barely ate any of my food. I have a hard time putting my thoughts to words, so some of her questions were difficult to answer. I think we made a good impression though, as we were invited to go to their church and meet her daughter the next day. That also went well, and it was nice to discover that their church is very similar to ours. Emom's daughter seemed to take to us, and of course gravitated towards Sam like all kids do. We feel quite blessed to have been picked by such a kind, loving family. It feels like an ideal match on both sides.
In other news, we are surging forward with preparing for a baby in less than 2 months! I posted on Freecycle looking for baby boy clothes, and a kind lady gave us 5 bags worth ranging from newborn to 6 months! Most is up to 3 months, but she said if we keep in touch she will give us more as her son grows out of it. This is a huge savings, as baby clothes are expensive! I've also been working on the Seuss walls, and have 2 walls left to go. Sam will be talking to a Pediatrician/Family Doctor today, and we are working on getting our taxes done early since baby is due April 15th! I've found a great hotel that specializes in extended stays. It has a kitchenette in every room, laundry facilities, and even gas grills outside for us to use! We will have to stay in Ohio for 1-2 weeks after baby is born waiting for the ICPC to go through, so this will be perfect. Yes we have names picked out, no you don't get to know until we know the baby is ours. ;) We will be driving to Ohio to make life easier and be able to take all the stuff we will need for baby.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Potential Match!
What a crazy week it has been! On Monday we got a call from the paralegal that both Sam and I missed. She left a message on both our voicemails that sounded rather promising. Sam returned the call, but she was on the phone, so neither of us could concentrate until she called us back. I was waiting to run to the post office to mail in the second set of 10 profiles that my sister Donna just finished working hard on printing/binding for us. Well I didn't end up mailing them, as we'd been matched with an expectant mom due April 15th! Things happened a bit backwards, as she saw our profile at her agency before we even knew about her, and I guess she liked what she saw.
It took awhile to sink in, being matched after only 2 1/2 months. We had her medical records looked over by a doctor who specializes in looking over those records for adoption, and came up with a bunch of questions to ask. Though we still have some concerns, there was nothing major to change our mind about going through with the match. We also found out that she's having a boy!
Now we are waiting for a call with the lawyer (Monday) to prepare us for a call with the expectant mom on Tuesday or Wednesday. I'm so nervous as I'm terrible with phones, and I am so afraid she'll change her mind after talking to us. We have until Friday to decide if we are going through with the match, and to send in 1/4 of what we'll owe for it. By then we should know a little about the father, too. Phew! Trying not to get excited, but I've already bought some cute blue onesies... :)
It took awhile to sink in, being matched after only 2 1/2 months. We had her medical records looked over by a doctor who specializes in looking over those records for adoption, and came up with a bunch of questions to ask. Though we still have some concerns, there was nothing major to change our mind about going through with the match. We also found out that she's having a boy!
Now we are waiting for a call with the lawyer (Monday) to prepare us for a call with the expectant mom on Tuesday or Wednesday. I'm so nervous as I'm terrible with phones, and I am so afraid she'll change her mind after talking to us. We have until Friday to decide if we are going through with the match, and to send in 1/4 of what we'll owe for it. By then we should know a little about the father, too. Phew! Trying not to get excited, but I've already bought some cute blue onesies... :)
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